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How
to Stay Stressed
Author
Unknown
What
Stress Does For You
Stress helps you
seem important:
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very
hard and therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.
It helps you to
maintain personal distance an avoid intimacy:
Anyone as busy as
you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to
anyone. And lets face it, you're not much fun to be around anyway.
It helps you
avoid responsibilities:
Obviously, you are too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you
off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of
them.
It helps you
avoid success:
Why risk being successful when, by simply being
stressed, you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance
level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.
It gives you a
chemical rush:
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and
you can give yourself a 'hit' anytime you choose. But, be careful. You
might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
Stress also helps
you keep your authoritarian management style:
The authoritarian
style of "just do what I say!" Is generally permissible under
crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis
atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all of the time.
How
to Stay Stressed
Never exercise:
Exercise wastes a lot of the time that could be spent worrying.
Eat anything you
want:
Hey if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a
balance diet isn't likely to either.
Gain Weight:
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
Take plenty of
stimulants:
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and
cola will continue to do the job just fine.
Avoid
"woo-woo practices":
Ignore the evidence suggesting
that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to
reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone,
Protestant or not.
Get rid of your
social support system:
Let the few friends who are willing to
tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you
have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to
be your friend, avoid them.
Personalize all
criticism:
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work,
family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take the
time to listen; be offended, then return the attack!
Throw out your
sense of humor:
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it
shouldn't be treated as one.
Males—and
females alike—be macho:
Never ask for any help, and if you
want it done right, do it yourself!
Become a
workaholic:
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take
work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations
are for sissies.
Discard good time
management skills:
Schedule more activities every day than you
can possibly get done, then worry about it all whenever you get a
chance.
Procrastinate:
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount
of stress.
Worry about
things you can't control:
Worry about the stock market,
earthquakes, and the approaching Ice Age. You know, all the big issues.
Become a
perfectionist: But not only a perfectionist, also set impossibly
high standards, and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed,
discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.
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