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Free Will and Individual Rights
From
The Game Rules for
Life,
by
Doug Kelley
"Those
who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves."
—Abraham Lincoln
Our Society
has a label to describe folks who insist on making others do things their
way—“control freaks.” What arrogance it takes for a person to insist on
others doing something a certain way when the only good reason is personal
preference. They may feel that “everyone is entitled to my opinion.” And
in so doing, they may put others down and make them feel bad. Never forget
this: Nobody has the right to make others feel bad about themselves, and
no one should ever allow others to make them feel bad about themselves
either. There are many ways to accomplish the same task. Ours is not necessarily
the only way or even the best way.
Here is a bizarre question:
Is the earth flat? Believe it or not, some still cling to the idea that
the earth is flat (it's true—have you ever heard of the Flat Earth Society?).
It is truly amazing that in this age of technology, there would still be
some that refuse to look at the overwhelming evidence proving a spherical
earth. Proof is as simple as the rising and setting of the sun. I could
go into further abundant proof, but do I really need to? For some people,
it would seem so, and here is why:
Some hold on to a Flat
Earth Mentality by clinging to and insisting on their own way of doing
things, and not growing personally to embrace new thinking. If you fit
this type of mentality, then ask yourself the "Why?" question. Do you hold
on to a Flat Earth Mentality by refusing to see things any differently
than you did five, ten or 20 years ago? Do you have a death grip on long-held
beliefs and ideas that may or may not be based in fact? If so, you need
to broaden your thinking to escape the bounds of a restrictive Flat Earth
Mentality. Granted, it is not comfortable or easy to abandon long-held
beliefs and ideologies, but it is absolutely vital in showing proper respect
for free will. As long as we endeavor to control others, or refuse to let
go of outdated thinking, it is the same, in principle, as believing in
a flat earth. If this describes you, then come back to the 21st century!
It is no fun for you to keep living in the dark ages! And it's no fun for
others around you either.
Occasionally, we find ourselves
in a situation where we are called upon to give our opinion on a matter.
Why not offer it without all of the control issues attached? We need to
not take ourselves too seriously. Here is a principle that will allow us
to view control issues in the proper light:
If it is a matter
of preference, yield. If it is a matter
of principle, stand firm.
The fact is that no one
has the right to control others, the only exception being within the reasonable
parameters set by the law of the land. In a healthy way, we should adopt
the maxim, “Live and Let Live,” and not be overly concerned with controlling
others. When as a child I would get overly concerned with something my
brother was doing that I thought was wrong, my dad would tell me that I
needed to be concerned with Doug, not with my brother. He also added that
watching Doug was a 24-hour a day job and that I should give it my attention
before trying to change others. He was right. In fact, watching myself
is not only a 24-hour a day job, it is also a life-long job—it never ends.
Another area of control
involves the concept of "submissiveness." This concept is prevalent among
fundamentalist religions, and comes from an over-zealous and rigid interpretation
of certain Biblical scriptures, and inappropriately mixed with control
issues. Granted, there are times when we must be submissive, such as submitting
to the laws of the land, or to God. But the kind of submissiveness I am
here speaking of is the idea that a woman should be completely submissive
to her husband, and in some cases, vice-versa. I contend that this is incorrect
and inaccurate thinking. Here is why:
The dictionary assigns
the root word of submissiveness this connotation: "Submit suggests full
surrendering after resistance or conflict to the will or control of another."
This indicates that a person "submits" only after resistance and unwillingly
succumbs to the control of another. The implication here is that one person
insists on their own way without regard to the feelings of the others.
The laws of Love, Mercy, and Free Will completely invalidate the concept
of submissiveness.
A much healthier and accurate
concept is "deference." The dictionary assigns the following connotation
to the word "defer": "Defer implies a voluntary yielding or submitting
out of respect or reverence for, or deference and affection toward another."
In a healthy and mature adult relationship, two people show respect for
the humanity and freewill of the other. When discussing a matter, they
calmly endeavor to reach a mutual agreement, again, respecting each others'
human-right of free will. Especially in matters of preference, one will
yield, or defer, to the other who may have strong feelings on a particular
subject.
If a matter is one of principle,
then mature adults will rationally and reasonably explore the matter, endeavoring
to use insight and good judgment. They realize that the goal is to reach
a decision that is in the best interests of all concerned. This requires
that both show honor to the other and resist any efforts to control. By
using this method, the best course of action will usually become apparent.
It is very possible that one person has had the right perspective all along,
and once apparent, the other will defer (not submit ) to the better judgment
of the first. This is healthy give and take at its finest!
In the context of religion,
many men use the concept of submissiveness to "keep their wives in line."
This is nothing short of a dysfunctional means of control. Any man or woman
who demands submissiveness from another adult who is his or her equal,
is categorically out of line—they need to confront and slay their own control
demons. When one person insists on controlling another, no good comes of
it. Resentment builds, and over time, eats away at the foundation of the
relationship like an insidious onslaught of termites on a building. Many
times, the relationship is utterly destroyed—marriages fail; friendships
end. The controlling person exhibits a profound lack of love and respect
for the other.
If you are under the misguided
impression that you must reign as Lord and King over another person—Wake
up! Submissiveness has no place in a healthy and mature adult relationship.
Submissiveness may have its place in certain instances, such as parent-child
relationships, to the laws of the land, or in employer/employee relationships,
but not between a husband and wife, or two otherwise equal adults.
The interesting thing about
this topic is that if you are insistent on submissiveness (that is, being
a "control freak"), this discussion probably makes you angry and resistive.
But this is exactly the reason why you should be concerned. We humans often
become defensive by trying to justify an opinion we hold that has no basis
in reason. If this is your attitude, then I am not asking you to "submit"
here. I ask that you "defer" to a higher knowledge and comprehension of
the matter. Enhance your life and that of your spouse or friend by not
trying to control them! Submissiveness is dysfunctional!
If we human beings would
simply take the time to learn the lessons of free will and tolerance, just
think how much sorrow and pain we would prevent. If we could just stop
for a minute—take a time out—and cease taking ourselves and our opinions
so seriously, the whole world would benefit, but mostly us! Does this sound
Utopian? Of course! But this is exactly what we so desperately need—for
everyone to show tolerance and respect for another's human-right of free
will. Only when we learn to respect another's right to choose freely—and
without all the judgmentalism attached—can we begin to develop to the next
level of human existence.
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